hafwit

This is the last page of an issue of the comic Fell (Warren Ellis/Ben Templesmith). After a night shift as a detective in the horrid burg of Snowtown, our hero Richard Fell stands, Batman-style on the roof of an apartment building, watching the sun rise. After a day of dealing with incompetence, perversity and needless cruelty, he writes in his post-it journal: "7 am. This is where I live now. None of you are nothing to me".

It's such a beautiful and grandiose sentiment. To see everyone as people and not just as means, obstacles or moving backdrops. In a series about heinous and misguided crimes, it's almost super-humanly righteous.
It also how I sometimes feel, and sometimes wishes I could act like I felt. I'm terrible at ignoring people. Some part of me needs to keep an eye on them. I gotta know where they are and what they are doing. I imagine where they are going, how they're feeling and other stuff I can't know. None of them are nothing to me. They can't be ignored.

At the same time I often get overloaded by all that scrutinizing, and I need to be alone, and I can't be anything to other people. I just conk out and the world can go whistle. I wish I had more energy to be more present.

I don't have a winter depression, but I do seem to have seasonal switched-offness. These days I'm shockingly uncreative, and spend much time sleeping, looking at google maps, and wondering what I'd do if I had lots of money (there'd be no biddy-biddy-bum, believe me). Oh, and eat toasted cheese sandwiches. Lazy, even in matters culinary.

I do read a lot though. Right now I'm taking a break from an Edward Lee kick. His short stories, to be specific. I like his grisly gonzo style, but sometimes it feels like he's in a hurry to get to the end. I know that feeling. He also goes for the gross-out a lot. That's a sometime-food for me.

Work is going well, even if it doesn't serve its purpose. It's supposed to help me to be more comfortable around other people. The other people on my team are possibly worse off than me, though, and rarely show up. Thus I work alone a lot. That means that I get a lot done, but I remain an awkward git. A large part of me like it that way. I think that others in my situation (anxiety, avoidant personality etc.) WANT to be social. I just recognize that I NEED to.

I've had pneumonia AGAIN. That's just careless I hear you say, and you're right. I'm over it now though. I've also had drainage tubes inserted in both ears. That was unpleasant, but getting my normal hearing back is so worth it. Sounds have depth again! Praise be!